State of mind

My mental health is mine and mine alone. From time to time I voice what is going on inside my head to my mother, sometimes my father. On a daily basis I write poems or voice them on social media just to get it out. I’ve never been careful when it comes to voice how I feel, I wish I had more of a filter and that I didn’t share so much of myself because it’s not for attention I do it. It’s so I can read it, and if you read it, then that’s fine, but it’s still not for you I’m writing this.

Since June, yes since I finished university, I’ve been feeling this stress, discomfort, anxiety, restlessness, sadness, loneliness, panic and just everything that made me just stop and I’ve lost all motivation, inspiration and love for what I do. I’ve had more days where I’m distant and I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking when I stare out of windows, stare out into nothingness and when I reply with a shrug. I’m going to tell you why I’m sad and not happy; I don’t live up to my own expectations. Doing something about it is hard and I feel people expect me to get my license, my business up and running, to move out, to find the one and I’m having one of those early twenties please just let me be situations going on. I don’t expect you to understand, but please – stop asking me all these basic ass life questions because it is tiring, I think about it 24/7 and have had nights where sleep has been nonexistent because it worries me that I can’t find the time or motivation.

I have a massive life changing surgery coming up soon and then there is this wave of everyone’s questions hanging over me like a scary monster. I’ve talked about it with my mom and I have lovely friends who I can talk to as well. But if you know me and read this, it is not for attention, but it is to make you take a step back and ask me how my weekend was instead of what is my plan for the future.

YES – I plan on getting my drivers license as soon as I feel ready for it and have the right mindset. YES – I plan on becoming my own boss and to do photographing on a daily basis. YES – I plan to one day move out, but since this is Norway I can’t because I don’t have a job that allows it. YES – I want someone special in my life but I’m picky and I have never been popular among anyone so there is that problem.

PS. I don’t want you to stop asking me questions, but try to find something else rather than my plans to talk about.

Feelings

I was recently in London to see The Technicolors, Night Riots and The Maine (who headlined KOKO by the way) with my friends. Since moving to Hatfield and being close to London’s concert scene we usually went to a concert each month, if not two or three shows every now and then. Being who I am, filled with anticipation, anxiety and a little bit of everything, it has always been mixed feelings going to gigs. Whenever I was in the photo pit photographing it was mostly anticipation and nerves that were present. I loved the feeling when the lights would dim down, and how the music over the speakers from someone’s playlist would be drowned out by the music signalling that the band was about to come out on stage. I also loved how the photographers would go from chatting idly with each other to go completely into work mode. I miss that. I miss all and every second of it whenever I’m not in the pit.

Anyway, while I was standing on the balcony at KOKO, looking down at everyone, wondering if we all feel the same in one way or another. I wondered if we are all nervous, anxiety ridden, feeling lonely and sad – and we take this music, this one night, this tour and we cherish it like it is the only thing that keeps our head above the surface. Some drink to be brave enough to be among the crowd or to face their favourite person, some go just to have a good time out with friends and enjoy good music, some go to forget and to drown out the demons for one night. I’m more the latter than anything else. I don’t know how to describe the feeling I get before and during the show. It is like a cold sweat around my heart, a heavy blanket around my mind and it feels like I’m about to sob or vomit, I don’t know. But sometimes it is a weight getting taken off me. I haven’t had that sense of relief since Portsmouth.

Of course someone can relate to your feelings. That is why people write songs, make movies, write books and create art. They write it to move you and if it matches your set of chemicals it works. I’ve been through a bunch of fandoms, phases of loving certain bands and almost on the verge of worshipping them and I’ve realised that most of us are so lonely and I don’t think the hollowness just leaves like that. We hunt for a feeling of belonging. We try to fill it with the love we feel when we are safe, content and happy, singing the lyrics out loud in our bedrooms. It all gets more intense and emotional once you belt out the lyrics screaming and putting your fist out to the drum beat like you are protesting against your inner demons and sometimes they creep back through once it is all over because you realise how much it all means to you. And then you are alone again.

Our minds are complex, no doubt. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this bunch of us, the concert goers, the loners, lovers, friends, ghouls and ghosts, we are all in the same boat. We might not be on the same wavelength, but we are on the same boat.

I hope some of this made sense.