State of mind

My mental health is mine and mine alone. From time to time I voice what is going on inside my head to my mother, sometimes my father. On a daily basis I write poems or voice them on social media just to get it out. I’ve never been careful when it comes to voice how I feel, I wish I had more of a filter and that I didn’t share so much of myself because it’s not for attention I do it. It’s so I can read it, and if you read it, then that’s fine, but it’s still not for you I’m writing this.

Since June, yes since I finished university, I’ve been feeling this stress, discomfort, anxiety, restlessness, sadness, loneliness, panic and just everything that made me just stop and I’ve lost all motivation, inspiration and love for what I do. I’ve had more days where I’m distant and I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking when I stare out of windows, stare out into nothingness and when I reply with a shrug. I’m going to tell you why I’m sad and not happy; I don’t live up to my own expectations. Doing something about it is hard and I feel people expect me to get my license, my business up and running, to move out, to find the one and I’m having one of those early twenties please just let me be situations going on. I don’t expect you to understand, but please – stop asking me all these basic ass life questions because it is tiring, I think about it 24/7 and have had nights where sleep has been nonexistent because it worries me that I can’t find the time or motivation.

I have a massive life changing surgery coming up soon and then there is this wave of everyone’s questions hanging over me like a scary monster. I’ve talked about it with my mom and I have lovely friends who I can talk to as well. But if you know me and read this, it is not for attention, but it is to make you take a step back and ask me how my weekend was instead of what is my plan for the future.

YES – I plan on getting my drivers license as soon as I feel ready for it and have the right mindset. YES – I plan on becoming my own boss and to do photographing on a daily basis. YES – I plan to one day move out, but since this is Norway I can’t because I don’t have a job that allows it. YES – I want someone special in my life but I’m picky and I have never been popular among anyone so there is that problem.

PS. I don’t want you to stop asking me questions, but try to find something else rather than my plans to talk about.

Feelings

I was recently in London to see The Technicolors, Night Riots and The Maine (who headlined KOKO by the way) with my friends. Since moving to Hatfield and being close to London’s concert scene we usually went to a concert each month, if not two or three shows every now and then. Being who I am, filled with anticipation, anxiety and a little bit of everything, it has always been mixed feelings going to gigs. Whenever I was in the photo pit photographing it was mostly anticipation and nerves that were present. I loved the feeling when the lights would dim down, and how the music over the speakers from someone’s playlist would be drowned out by the music signalling that the band was about to come out on stage. I also loved how the photographers would go from chatting idly with each other to go completely into work mode. I miss that. I miss all and every second of it whenever I’m not in the pit.

Anyway, while I was standing on the balcony at KOKO, looking down at everyone, wondering if we all feel the same in one way or another. I wondered if we are all nervous, anxiety ridden, feeling lonely and sad – and we take this music, this one night, this tour and we cherish it like it is the only thing that keeps our head above the surface. Some drink to be brave enough to be among the crowd or to face their favourite person, some go just to have a good time out with friends and enjoy good music, some go to forget and to drown out the demons for one night. I’m more the latter than anything else. I don’t know how to describe the feeling I get before and during the show. It is like a cold sweat around my heart, a heavy blanket around my mind and it feels like I’m about to sob or vomit, I don’t know. But sometimes it is a weight getting taken off me. I haven’t had that sense of relief since Portsmouth.

Of course someone can relate to your feelings. That is why people write songs, make movies, write books and create art. They write it to move you and if it matches your set of chemicals it works. I’ve been through a bunch of fandoms, phases of loving certain bands and almost on the verge of worshipping them and I’ve realised that most of us are so lonely and I don’t think the hollowness just leaves like that. We hunt for a feeling of belonging. We try to fill it with the love we feel when we are safe, content and happy, singing the lyrics out loud in our bedrooms. It all gets more intense and emotional once you belt out the lyrics screaming and putting your fist out to the drum beat like you are protesting against your inner demons and sometimes they creep back through once it is all over because you realise how much it all means to you. And then you are alone again.

Our minds are complex, no doubt. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this bunch of us, the concert goers, the loners, lovers, friends, ghouls and ghosts, we are all in the same boat. We might not be on the same wavelength, but we are on the same boat.

I hope some of this made sense.

An adventure across the ocean

PHOENIX

We arrived early in the morning. The desert air colder than what I thought it would be and the fatigue was hanging over me like an anchor searching for the bottom of the ocean. For almost two years I had wanted to come to Phoenix and I was finally there. I was feeling some kind of hope in the back of my mind. Maybe this was going to change something within me? Maybe I could smile and have a feeling attached to it? I tried to stay optimistic the moment we landed in LA and ended up in Phoenix. I was surrounded by a lovely group of lovely people and I felt ok for the first time in a long time.

The first day began with us waking up, getting ready for whatever was out there and it was surprisingly easy finding out where to go. The LTRL was easy to find and to get on. I read the signs saying ‘Phoenix, Tempe, Mesa’ and I thought to myself, as we passed some old abandoned buildings, that this is so surreal and that this is actually happening. The people on the LTRL all looked tired, almost as if the rain currently washing down over Phoenix changed the entire atmosphere. How appropriate as it was the inauguration day of the monster that now runs America. I was feeling nervous for America, but at the same time I felt content for once and smiled at the old lady sitting across from me who smiled back at me but then looking out of her window.

Downtown Phoenix was quiet. The rain had stopped as we got to Washington / Central Ave. We looked around to see if there was anywhere we could eat and ended up going to the first place we saw; a vegan place just around the corner with the most amazing spring rolls. Later on we found our way to the 8123 popup store where we queued up with other people. At this point my anxiety had caught up with me and if it wasn’t for my friend I would probably have turned around and told myself that I would save money and be better off not going. For some reason my brain just thought that this was too much. I felt so small. Holy shit I was in America. I was so far away from home and I told myself that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it was. It was like this tiny feeling just suddenly decided to take over and overwhelm me. I tried to focus on taking photos and talk, but it didn’t go over until we got inside. I ended up buying a lot of merch and being very happy as I saw the artworks of Nicky Barkla. I love her work, the details she puts into her paintings and the frames. She is just so incredible and I admire her paintings so much. It was again a moment where I just had to take a deep breath and wonder if this was actually happening.

Since moving to England I have been travelling a bit here and there. A year ago I had no idea my adventure to America would come so soon. And I kept asking myself as I looked up at the huge buildings and wide streets, is all of this real? I didn’t dare pinch myself incase of waking up. It was so nice yet again feeling a bit adventurous and daring. I grew up in a small town in Norway. I never really believed that I would ever find my way across the Atlantic Ocean.

The day ended with Nick, Dani and Norah picking us up and driving us back to the hotel. When we woke up the next day it was the day of the 8123 Fest. A day we had been waiting for since late September and it was finally happening. We got picked up by our friends, then we drove to IHOP (I never thought IHOP stood for International House of Pancakes and thought it was some weird tech store…) where I had some amazing pancakes for breakfast. We headed to the fest afterwards and it is surprisingly easy finding parking in Arizona. I do not know how it usually works or if it is always that easy, but we managed to get pretty close to the festival location and then we started queueing up. We ended up talking to a few people, some of them we would become better friends with, sadly after the fest, but we met awesome people. I even met a friend that I have been wanting to meet for such a long time. I got to say hello to one of my favourite photographers, Lupe and actually meet Brennan and Nico from The Technicolors. We talked to Kennedy, bumped into Pat on multiple occasions and I got two hugs from John who asked us how we’ve been. We got a glimpse of Garrett yelling that he would see us all soon (in a nice way) and then he left John behind. Only one we didn’t see mingle was Jared.

In moments where I meet people that means a lot to me I either forget what I’m saying or I’m talking like I’ve known them for years. Meeting John was not a goal for me this time, it was a nice surprise seeing him not surrounded by a lot of people and I just gathered the guts to go up and say hi. It was one of those moments where I just thought it is now or never (later) and when I met those stupid (soft), kind eyes I just… alright, John is one of the humans out there that I’m proud being a fan of. I’m a fan of The Maine and every single one of the members, but John means a lot for reasons I don’t even know. He’s just good. His hugs are awesome and even if he don’t remember you, he makes it feel like he does. I don’t want to sound crazy, but fhsdbgsf I just need to say it. Same with Brennan, I was so nervous I almost bailed. I wanted to just say hi and tell him I appreciate their music. This cool, strange man that calls me ‘Gem’ on Twitter was finally in front of me and I was so scared that he had to leave, but he took the time to meet us as well and he remembered me when I told him I was that Norwegian girl from Twitter! It was just such a nice day. I sit here now and I want it so badly to happen again.

Thanks Kayla, for the photo!

Phoenix was quiet in the parts we were in, but I fell in love with it. Cities that has trams is always cool (it makes things easier). Driving through the desert on our way back to Los Angeles was everything. Boring, fun and full of music and photographing. I didn’t care that we were squished together in the backseat. I got a slushie and saw a bunch of cactuses and beautiful nature. I just enjoyed our journey as a group of friends doing what we love.

A massive thank you to the three beautiful girls that made it all possible. Dani is the sweetest and kindest, Norah is so hilarious and funny, Nicki you beautiful A+ hostess and friend – thank you. You made the experience better than I had expected and I will remember it for a long time. I can’t tell you this enough.

Thank you to 8123 for doing this festival and bringing people together. I gained new friends and got to meet people I never thought I would meet. It was like an emotional bubble but without a lot of the depression. Even if my feet killed me at the end, I would never want to be without this experience and adventure.

8123 for life

One week ago I ventured out on my biggest adventure so far in my life. I’ve managed to get my blog up and running again and I’m sitting here trying to come up with words that can describe everything that happened. I travelled across the world with my best friend so we could go to a festival. People back home in Norway told me that they had festivals there and I should just wait until the summer. But it’s not every year my favourite band celebrates their 10-year anniversary with a festival including several other bands I love. 8123 is something I’m proud to be a part of. It is such a great group of people and I’m so lucky to have friends who love 8123 just as much as I do. I would not trade this experience for anything in the world. It was so much fun!

Nicolette, Dani and Norah made this adventure super fun. We laughed so much and I’m missing them so much because they were such nice people and gaining friends like them is golden. Even if it was just a few days, I appreciate it a lot and hope to see you guys again soon. Thank you for letting us stay with you in Los Angeles, Nicki and thanks for letting us riding with you across the desert to this lovely event. I hope everyone has friends like them because I have not laughed like that in a long time and when people can make you forget about the boring everyday life, keep them.

Meeting other photographers from Concert Updater and meeting the photographer Lupe was also such a great moment of my life. Meeting the people who inspire you to do what you do is incredible. I never thought I would shake hands with one of my favourite photographers. I will cherish it forever. To think that 8123 brought us all together is so amazing and my heart is bursting with love. 8123 means so much, help.

I woke up today and wondered for a bit if I had only dream it all. It feels so unreal to have been half way across the world and to have seen my favourite band in their hometown and to actually have been in America. I was out of Europe! I’m just a small town girl from Norway who happened to get the best friends in the world and who happened ending up loving the same things as I do. I feel so fucking lucky I can’t put it into words. Holy shit.

This Century and A Rocket To The Moon are bands that I thought I’d never see live, but this festival made it happen. Seeing The Technicolors and telling them that my dad also loves their music was a mission accomplished and meeting other fans and talking to them… it all just adds up to this wonderful experience. I got the chills when everyone yelled out “8123 means everything to me” and I still want to relieve that moment because of the pure happiness I felt. It is a feeling I usually have to hunt for and it doesn’t come easy. This family of people from all over the world keeps impressing me. I love you all.

I have wanted to go to America since my early teens. I’m 22 now and the dream kinda faded away when my love for England grew bigger, but after The Maine came into my life… all I wanted for a long time was to visit Arizona. My parents thought I was crazy, but they supported me like they always do when there is something I love. Thanks to my parents for not refusing me to go even though you were skeptical due to everything that is happening in this world.

Thank you to everyone at 8123 and the rest of the people who helped making this festival happen. I have gained an experience, great memories and more friends. What else could I have asked for? This has been the best weekend of my life.